Most of the times we feel that we all are good listeners. I recently attended a series of training sessions by Raja Chidambaram which gave me fresh insight towards this topic. Some part of this post may have specific Indian Context but most of it is global in nature.
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When we say 'LISTEN' to a kid or to a co-worker, do we actually want him to Listen or do we want him to:
- Shut up, stop talking
- Agree to what I am saying
- Obey to what I am asking you to do
Do we become a good listener in case we abide by the above stated points, or we can do something else which can actually establish us as a good listener not just in our own perception but also in other's?
The person who wants to communicate something is the 'Sender' and the person to whom this communication is directed is the 'Receiver'.
Know the deterrents to Effective Listening:
1. Detectable by the 'Sender' (Sin):
- Permitting the speaker to be inaudible
- Withdrawing or Day dreaming
- Over reacting to certain words, phrases
- Getting over simulated when questioning or opposing an idea
2. Only your ('Receiver') mind knows:
- Assuming in advance that the subject is uninteresting and unimportant
- 'I know what's coming' syndrome
- Mentally criticizing the speaker's delivery
- Pretending to be attentive
- Listening only to the facts, wanting to skip the details
How to Practice Active Listening:
1. Know, what are you Listening FOR. Know your intent.
2. Create a listening atmosphere. Sit beside the Sender, if possible at 90 degree (Avoid 180 degrees with a table in between). Look, act and be interested. Don't read emails or tap papers while others are talking. Resist Distraction.
3. Stop Talking. To others, but most importantly to yourself. It is very difficult to still the voice within but it can be done with Practice. Remember, you cannot listen if you are talking. Suspend all personal Judgement or evaluation and try to focus on recording what is being transmitted by the Sender. You will not forget that point that you got reminded of just when he said that, and you had a sudden urge to barge in to make it. And even if you do forget it later, believe me, it was not that important.
4. Listen to specific content - who, what, where, when, why, how... Listen between the lines, for implicit meanings as well as the explicit ones. Observe nonverbal bahaviour, like Body language, to glean meanings beyond what is said to you. Observe the tone of voice, specific feeling, words etc. Imagine the other person's point of view. Picture yourself in hia position, doing hia work, facing his problems, using his language and having his values.
5. Don't interupt, Acknowledge. Sit still past your tolerance level. Resist the temptation to jump in with an evaluative or critical comment. Confine yourself to constructive replies. Look for omissions - things left unsaid or unexplained, which should be logically present. Ask about these.
6. Paraphrase. Rephrase (As a recorder, do not alter content or add evaluation) what the other person has just told you at key points in the conversation.
Assumptions about Listening which can be Blocking:
1. If I Listen I have to agree.
2. If I do not agree I should state it as soon as the point is made.
3. Previous bias/experience with the 'Sender'
4. Feeling of superiority over the 'Sender'
5. 'How many times will we discuss this topic.'
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